Winter Wrap-Up (#216)

There we were just a few short days ago, waddling around in our swathes of woolies when presto! March arrives, and I'm opening windows to catch the first of the warm spring breezes. In like a lamb, indeed.

(This is me not complaining. In a day or three, there should be open water and I just might wet a line.)

But there were a few, short, winter-related notes I'd jotted down over the last couple of months - fully intending to flesh out each into a witty, humourous and incisive post. Sometime this winter. When I got around to it.

You know folks, over the years I've developed a very high regard for your intelligence and creativity. As a result, I have complete faith you'll have no problem imagining each of these notes to be longer, wittier, funnier and more incisive than they appear.

MUCOUS - WORD OF THE WINTER?

Well it, and its brother word "phlegm," were usually heard several times in voice-over during cold-remedy commercials. No more delicate tippy-toeing about "runny nose" or "congestion." Nosir. Not this winter. We watch and listen and stifle our gag reflex as Mary, and then Larry, hack out a lung, or at least try to hork up a loogie. The sombre announcer intones the horrors of Mucous and Phlegm. Like all good voice-over announcers, he manages to verbally capitalize the letters that matter: Mucous. Phlegm.

I'm concerned about the next generation of ads for diarrhea cures.

WHY I HATE CRAZY GLUE

I hate crazy glue because every time I've used it, I've bonded my fingers to each other. In seconds.

BEST NEWS EVER!

Found a brand of honey-glazed donuts that contain zero trans fats!!

THE OLYMPICS

Pretty good, eh? Despite failing to erect for the fourth time there, in the Opening Ceremonies. Still, at our age, three's not bad at all. Good job by those Yankee kids, winning all those medals. But good job by our kids too, what with winning the most golds of any winter Games. Including, of course, the only one that mattered:

Mens' hockey gold.

Yessssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!

Eat it, you Americans with your best-goalie-in-the-NHL!! Ha! We weren't even nervous there when you tied it with 24-frickin' seconds left in the frickin' 3rd period!! And no, that wasn't barfing that was going on during the intermission! We were just making room for more pre-victory brewskies.

We're Hockey's Hosers!!

THE OSCARS

Can you say "boring" boys and girls?

I knew you could.

Both Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin were under-utilized. They weren't given a chance to make an impression, let alone shine. And, unless it happened while I was searching for another toothpick to hold up my eyelids, no starlet almost fell out of her dress.

I was pleased for Jeff Bridges, though. The Dude abides.

SAD NEWS ABOUT WEIGHT GAIN

Apparently, "trans fats free" all of a sudden doesn't mean "zero calories." Sheesh. Don't you think it's about time we toughened up our truth-in-advertising laws? I mean, any reasonable person might ask - if an edible item contained no fat, where would the calories hide? Calories adore fat. Everybody knows that. And trans fats are the worst. Everybody (especially Hilary) says so. Over and over. Ergo, ipso facto and other appropriate Latin abbreviations, we need to change the way people think of food. Or stop labeling ingredients. I'm not sure which. I wish this item was more incisive. I'm feeling a little bit anxious right now and would like to have a donut.