Wish I'd Said It

Weeds are flowers too - once you get to know them.

- A. A. Milne

Monday, March 08, 2010

Winter Wrap-Up (#216)

There we were just a few short days ago, waddling around in our swathes of woolies when presto! March arrives, and I'm opening windows to catch the first of the warm spring breezes. In like a lamb, indeed.

(This is me not complaining. In a day or three, there should be open water and I just might wet a line.)

But there were a few, short, winter-related notes I'd jotted down over the last couple of months - fully intending to flesh out each into a witty, humourous and incisive post. Sometime this winter. When I got around to it.

You know folks, over the years I've developed a very high regard for your intelligence and creativity. As a result, I have complete faith you'll have no problem imagining each of these notes to be longer, wittier, funnier and more incisive than they appear.


Well it, and its brother word "phlegm," were usually heard several times in voice-over during cold-remedy commercials. No more delicate tippy-toeing about "runny nose" or "congestion." Nosir. Not this winter. We watch and listen and stifle our gag reflex as Mary, and then Larry, hack out a lung, or at least try to hork up a loogie. The sombre announcer intones the horrors of Mucous and Phlegm. Like all good voice-over announcers, he manages to verbally capitalize the letters that matter: Mucous. Phlegm.

I'm concerned about the next generation of ads for diarrhea cures.


I hate crazy glue because every time I've used it, I've bonded my fingers to each other. In seconds.


Found a brand of honey-glazed donuts that contain zero trans fats!!


Pretty good, eh? Despite failing to erect for the fourth time there, in the Opening Ceremonies. Still, at our age, three's not bad at all. Good job by those Yankee kids, winning all those medals. But good job by our kids too, what with winning the most golds of any winter Games. Including, of course, the only one that mattered:

Mens' hockey gold.


Eat it, you Americans with your best-goalie-in-the-NHL!! Ha! We weren't even nervous there when you tied it with 24-frickin' seconds left in the frickin' 3rd period!! And no, that wasn't barfing that was going on during the intermission! We were just making room for more pre-victory brewskies.

We're Hockey's Hosers!!


Can you say "boring" boys and girls?

I knew you could.

Both Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin were under-utilized. They weren't given a chance to make an impression, let alone shine. And, unless it happened while I was searching for another toothpick to hold up my eyelids, no starlet almost fell out of her dress.

I was pleased for Jeff Bridges, though. The Dude abides.


Apparently, "trans fats free" all of a sudden doesn't mean "zero calories." Sheesh. Don't you think it's about time we toughened up our truth-in-advertising laws? I mean, any reasonable person might ask - if an edible item contained no fat, where would the calories hide? Calories adore fat. Everybody knows that. And trans fats are the worst. Everybody (especially Hilary) says so. Over and over. Ergo, ipso facto and other appropriate Latin abbreviations, we need to change the way people think of food. Or stop labeling ingredients. I'm not sure which. I wish this item was more incisive. I'm feeling a little bit anxious right now and would like to have a donut.


Hilary said...

Donuts.. tsk, tsk. They're more like Ergo, Ipso, Fatso.

I enjoyed watching the winning game with you and Jeffrey last week. And as always, your blog post. :)

Hilary said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sally said...

Yay! Witty and incisive ... AS ALWAYS. Pass me a donut, please, or as we say over here, a doughnut.

Leah J. Utas said...

Actually, if it's trans fat free, then we get to eat more of it because it's healthy.
And that's how I see the world.

Charlie said...

Mucous - who thinks these words up? Automobile Marketing Execs? "The new 2011 Mucous BH! (Big Hork)

Crazy glue is hilarious when used by someone else. *hopes Frank isn't watching*

I eat fat-free ice cream. Yes, there is such a thing and no, it is NOT calorie-free.

Olympic fever hit our house as well. Despite the aforementioned not-calorie-free ice cream, I managed to leap to my feet when Sid the Kid potted the "Golden Goal", frightening the cats and the wife. Sadly, no youtube video of the subsequent dance of joy, sorry.

The Oscar show was about as exciting as watching a mime troupe perform a British drawing room drama. I enjoyed Steve and Alec, thought Doogie Howser should have stayed home, and that Ben Stiller should have listened to himself when he wondered if wearing Avatar makeup was a good idea. And Jeff Bridges does indeed rock.

Sad news about weight gain indeed. See the ice cream. Love the ice cream. Explain to wife how ice cream disappeared before making it to the fridge....+

Anonymous said...

Down here the scuttlebutt is that the Canadian hockey victory was achieved by way of a Zamboni conspiracy to coat the American end with slippery secretions of glazed phlegm. The Canucks would have used mucus, but they don't know how to spell it.

Grayquill said...

Once again thanks for the laughs.
I must have missed those amazing commercials. And that hockey game? Missed it too.Sorry! But, you can still gloat - that's a bonus isn't it?
The super glue I better just leave that one alone...something about a news story, a hospital, a young man with his hand super glued to his very private....
Gotta go before I miss type.

Frank Baron said...

Very...funny, Hil. Very...very...funny. ;)

Here you go, Maud. That's how we spell it here too. I was just being lazy. :)

Leah, great minds think alike!

Mmmmm...ice cream...mmmm...Get thee behind me Charlie!! (So's I can get to the freezer first.)

Tough to prove now, Cay. Tough to prove....(hehehe)

You're welcome GQ. And that story hurts - even without the details. ;)

Joanna Jenkins said...

You are so right, the Oscars should ahve used Baldwin and Martin more-- LOVED the bed/sleeping/slapping scene. And Jeff Briodges looks like he was drinking it all it. I was thrilled for him

Thanks for stopping by my blog via Hilary's POTW. I really appreciate it.

Hope your week is going good and watch out for that super glue-- It gets me every time too.


Maggie May said...

Mucous..... yuk. That is a winter thing and where I live it seems to afflict many! (Seriously.... in the SW of England.

Many thanks for your kind comments and yes, they are very helpful. I am feeling a bit better today!

Nuts in May

Frank Baron said...

You're welcome Joanna. Thanks for the return howdy-do. :)

Glad to hear it Maggie. Hope you can say the same tomorrow and the next day and so on. :)

The Merry said...

I'm glad to hear that spring is kinda sorta thinking of heading your way. Hopefully this will not mean a decrease in the amount of photos on your blog? 'Cause they're really cool.
(Hey, dude, I hail originally from California. Which not only doesn't do much hail, it's fairly lacking in snow&ice photography. So I rely on youse Canadians for that kinda thing.)

Dianne said...

I find that if you eat donuts standing up in the kitchen in the dark in the middle of the night that the calories don't know where you are

I was thrilled for Jeff Bridges, he's so lovely

Hope sends you a giant drooly kiss and a huge hug for calling her beautiful and talented

Frank Baron said...

Hiya Merry. I'll still be posting photos now and then but I hope they won't be featuring snow and ice for about 8-9 months. ;)

Dianne, bless you! I did not realize calories have poor night vision. At last! A logical loophole we can exploit!

And thank the lovely Ms Hope for that drooly kiss and huge hug. :)

Reb said...

I have given up wondering what's next in advertising, it is quite obvious the 12 year old's are running the campaigns.

Meh, just pull your fingers apart - doesn't hurt that much!

How can you tell us you found doughnuts with zero trans-fats and not mention the name - that's just cruel!

As for the Olympics - Yay! Oscars - snore - didn't even watch. They could always just put a warning label on..."consumption of this product will make you fat and cause heart problems later in life"

Frank Baron said...

Reb, it's a local Ontario company called Concord Bakery.

Never let it be said I don't share. ;)

Skunkfeathers said...

Super (Crazy) Glue and I have an agreement; I don't use it, it doesn't humiliate me, as it once did.

As for Canada vs USA in Olympic hockey (disclaimer: what follows h'yar is likely heresy to hockey fans), I didn't care, 'cuz I didn't watch ;) I might have, if they were shootin' donuts (doughnuts) at the goalie...

Frank Baron said...

Skunky, I realize the USA is well stocked with hockey fans-to-be. We'll eventually win you over. Watch a few playoff games, especially in the Stanley Cup final and you'll become a true Puckhead. ;)

Charlie said...

(channelling the old BC comic strip:)


Frank Baron said...

They're everywhere, Charlie. It's a spam plague.

Charlie said...

Now that you deleted the troll-spammy post, mine seems a tad non-sequitur-ish. :)

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Frank Baron said...

Charlie, in that case, I'll leave the one that followed yours.

You're welcome. ;)

Barbara Martin said...

Another entertaining post, Frank.

Frank Baron said...

Glad you liked it, Barbara. Thanks for letting me know. :)