Wish I'd Said It

Weeds are flowers too - once you get to know them.

- A. A. Milne

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Of Dogs & Men (And Cats & Women)

Let’s take a break from tilting at corporate windmills and allow me to share a new, fascinating insight with you folks.

For about a year and a half now, I’ve been spending a few hours a day in Benny’s company. (For newcomers, Benny is a dog, a Jack Russell Terrier.)

I’ve never spent that much time with a dog before. Though I loved the late, much-lamented Gryphon -- the hunka-hunka-burnin’-love Rottweiler -- we didn’t get to spend a lot of time together. For most of his life I was working six or seven days a week. Usually one of the boys walked him and we probably only spent an hour or two a week, one-on-one.

I was more used to spending time with cats. Except for the last few years, I’ve had one or two around for most of my life. While home, there was nearly always one near, sleeping on my lap, rubbing against my ankle, or, in the case of Jean-Claude Kitty, gnawing on my wrist while trying to disembowel my arm. (He had anger issues. Plus he was insane - a challenging combo.)

Now, anybody who spends much time with anything is going to improve his understanding of it. Just stands to reason. So, you can imagine that a highly trained, keenly observant, Professional Writer-type person doing so, would overflow with knowledge in no time.

And thus it has been. From studying Ben, and observing the behaviour of the many other dogs we come into contact with on our walks - I have learned a great deal about canines, including one Stunning Truth:

They’re just like guys.

There’s a corollary to this Stunning Truth too:

Women are just like cats.

It’s true.

Like guys, dogs are without guile. If they see something they want, like a trespassing squirrel or a piece of cheese, they try to get it. If they can’t get it, they’ll bark and/or whine for someone to get it for them. They will stare fixedly at the object of their desire. There is no mistaking their intent.

Like when guys see a Corvette convertible or a Kate Winslet look-a-like.

Whatever it is cats have on their minds, they will stare at you, meow, and expect you to figure out what they want. Like women, the hints they drop are obscure.

Let’s say a woman isn’t feeling tip-top. She’ll emit a small sigh, fully expecting a guy to notice and follow up on it - even if a game’s on. Similarly, an indisposed kitty will slip quietly into a closet when no one’s around and barf into a shoe. A dog however, will barf wherever he happens to be when the barfy feeling comes and a guy will make sure that everyone within bellowing range knows he’s coming down with something.

Like guys, dogs are fascinated with their own, and others’ naughty bits. They just use different organs to express this fascination - mostly.

It’s perfectly fine for dogs to shove their noses into another dog’s crotch. Men probably enjoyed doing that with women too, way back when. But we gradually became more civilized when women started whacking us on the nose with a rolled-up stone tablet. Naturally, this led to a loss of sense of smell and we were forced to content ourselves with ogling.

Now, consider the concept of guilt. When a dog does something wrong, one glance at his face is all it takes to know there’s a shredded hat somewhere. Likewise, women can look at a man and somehow ascertain that he’s had four beers, half a pizza and a bag of Cheezits when supper’s right around the corner.

Cats and women don’t have a guilty look because they never do anything wrong.

Of course there are some, few similarities between the sexes and between canines and felines. For instance, we all love being petted. But even within this shared sphere of interest, there are stark differences.

Rub a dog’s (or a guy’s) head and then his flank in quick succession and before you can say, “Spot’s your uncle,” he’ll be on his back, offering his belly for some of that action.

Just try to go for a cat’s, or a you-know-who’s belly, without 15 minutes of stroking neck, head, ears and back.

They’ll pull a Jean-Claude Kitty on you in half a heartbeat.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Bell Canada Responds! Well, Jasper Does....

Last week I wrote about an issue I was having with telecommunications giant Bell Canada regarding my late wife’s account. Despite telling me on three separate occasions there was no money owing and the account was closed, they began dunning me for $87.65, eventually siccing a collection agency after me.

If you missed it, you can scroll down to the previous post.

Shortly after the column appeared, longtime reader and fellow moderator at the Absolute Write forums, Lori B, looked up Bell’s contact information online. She then forwarded a link to the blog version of the column and suggested someone there read it. She got a response which she then forwarded to me. This is it:

Hello Lori B,

Thank you for visiting Bell's web site. My name is Jasper and I am pleased to assist you with your request.

I apologize for the inconvenience caused.

Lori, would you mind clarifying your request for me? I will require additional details to be able to assist you further.

Please do reply me back with the account number that you are referring to.

I do apologize for any delay this may cause in addressing your concerns.

We appreciate you using Bell Canada's eContact Centre. Please feel free to contact us again in the future.

Have a great day!

Thank you,

Jasper
Bell Canada eContact Centre

Well, that was encouraging! Jasper sounded like a reasonable fellow. From here, I took the baton from Lori and replied to Jasper myself, reiterating the suggestion that he follow the link and read the post if he wanted clarification. Within hours I received this email:

Hello Frank Baron,

Thank you for your reply. It's Jasper again and I am happy to be of further assistance.

I have reviewed the link provided and I can certainly understand why you have been frustrated and angry with us.

Bell is very concerned about the level of customer service we provide to our customers. It is a very important factor of our business and how we treat you as a customer, matters greatly.

Frank, if you could reply me back with the account number that you are referring to, I will be able to check your records and assist you further.

Your situation is a prime example that we will use as a case study to improve upon our opportunities and our overall customer experience in general. Bell's ongoing commitment is to provide excellence of service and I can assure you we will make every effort to meet your expectations in the future.

I look forward to your return e-mail. We appreciate you using Bell Canada's eContact Centre.

Have a great day!

Thank you,

Jasper
Bell Canada eContact Centre

Having been stung three times previously by eager-to-help customer service reps, I refused to get caught up in Jasper’s enthusiasm. My reply:

Jasper, you can't be of further assistance until you've been of some assistance. So far, all I've gotten from Bell reps are empty words and a collection agency. Hopefully, we can start that assistance process now. The account number is: xxxxxxxxx.

Jasper replied the next day:

Hello Frank Baron,

Thank you for your reply. It's Jasper again and I am happy to be of further assistance.

I appreciate what you are saying and I can understand your concerns.

Frank, our records confirm that we did not receive your last two payments. That is, the payment made on Dec. 3rd, 2008 for $87.65 and prior to that $87.65 on Nov. 4th, 2008.

In order to resolve this issue, you will need to contact your credit card company.

Please be assured that I have forwarded your e-mail directly to our Residential Accounts Receivable Management team for review. A Client Representative will be happy to note your account with the information that you have provided.

I recommend that you please call 1-800-477-9205 as well. For your convenience, their business hours are 8 am to 9 pm Monday to Friday and 9 am to 5 pm on Saturdays.

Your understanding is truly appreciated.

We appreciate you using Bell Canada's eContact Centre. Please feel free to contact us again in the future.

Have a great day!

Thank you,

Jasper
Bell Canada eContact Centre

Well, darn. This wasn’t going all that well. I’m afraid I was a tad cranky when I replied:


Hello Jasper (probably not your real name).

There you go with the "further" assistance thing again. It's really not that abstract a concept. Oh well.

No, you didn't receive those payments because they were waived. They were waived three times - by your company's representatives - because the person who supposedly incurred them died on July 19th.

Died. Dead. Expired. No longer on the planet.

Your company's representatives may call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx. For their convenience - I will be home most of tomorrow (Thursday). If they fail to reach me tomorrow, they may try again Monday as I will be going out of town on Friday for the weekend.

There was a disconcerting, robotic aspect to Jasper’s response:

Hello Frank Baron,

Thank you for your reply. It's Jasper again and I am happy to be of further assistance.

Frank, I have made a note on your account with the information that you have provided.

Please be assured that I have forwarded your e-mail directly to our Residential Accounts Receivable Management team for review again. A Client Representative will be happy to note your account with the information that you have provided.

We appreciate you using Bell Canada's eContact Centre. Please feel free to contact us again in the future.

Have a great day!

Thank you,

Jasper
Bell Canada eContact Centre

There was no call before the weekend and none after I returned. Sadly, I wrote Jasper one more time a couple of days ago:

Well, Jasper my friend, it appears that none of the Client Representatives of your Residential Accounts Receivable Management team have seen fit to contact me.

It appears that they, unlike you, are not happy to be of further assistance.

You know, I hate to sing the same old, tired refrain but you (and I use the collective term here, Jasper) folks might improve customer relations if you were to actually be of some, initial assistance before leaping right into the "further" part of the program. You know the old saying: a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. In order to get somewhere, you need to actually begin the going - if you catch my drift.

Kind regards,

Frank Baron

Equally sad, I like to think, was Jasper’s final response:


Hello Frank Baron,

Thank you for your reply. It's Jasper again and I am happy to be of further assistance.

Frank, I regret that this situation appears to be unresolved and I apologize that we have not met your expectations.

I want to assure you that we are continually taking steps to improve your customer experience.

We appreciate you using Bell Canada's eContact Centre. Please feel free to contact us again in the future.

Have a great day!

Thank you,

Jasper
Bell Canada eContact Centre

Well, I don’t think I’ll contact Jasper again. In fact, I’m beginning to suspect there’s no such person. Or rather, there’s a horde of them, Jaspers #1 through #10,000, diligently helping people further.

But apparently there’s nobody capable of helping in the first place.

Monday, January 12, 2009

An Open Letter To Bell Canada

Dear Bell Canada,

I am writing this letter and posting it on the internet in the hopes that an employee or two of yours will come across and read it. Even though times are tough, I know you still have many, many thousands of employees, so the chances are decent one of them will find it eventually and perhaps draw it to the attention of Somebody who works in the Appropriate Department.

I’d call you on that device your namesake invented but...well...lemme s’plain.

In July of 2008 my wife died suddenly. At the time of her death we were living apart but as next of kin, I of course had to take care of her affairs. Unlike me, who only utilizes your services for my home phone (and have since the early 1970s) my wife had her home phone, her cell phone and her satellite television all provided by your company.

She, of course, had no further need for these services once she passed away. In August, I brought a copy of her death certificate to one of your service centres and a kind young woman there tap-danced through your voice mail system and eventually put me through to a Person In Charge. The PIC expressed her sympathy, noted that payments were up to date and promised any further charges would be waived. She asked that I return the satellite receiver in specific packaging which would be sent to me.

A couple of weeks later, I did just that and crossed off another in the seemingly-endless list of things to do following a person’s death.

Sometime in October, the first dunning letter arrived.

Your company wanted $87.65. The bill didn’t say what for, but the account number was different from my own, so I presumed it was to do with my late wife’s. I ignored it, thinking there was probably a lag in communications between the Department of Receiving Returned Satellite Receivers and They Who Send Bills.

In November, I got another letter which was now rather urgently demanding that $87.65, still however, without specifying exactly what it was for. This time, manfully, I waded through your voice mail system myself. Within a mere 15 minutes of listening to recordings, button pushing and department shuffling, I was speaking to yet another Person In Charge. Like the first, she was extremely sympathetic and apologized for the dunning letter. She would take care of it. There was no reason to pay. It was a mistake. Please forgive us.

Graciously, I did so.

Well, darned if I didn’t get another Urgent Notice a couple of weeks later, regretfully informing me that because of my refusal to pay this mere $87.65 for unspecified services, your company would be forced to turn my bill over to a collection agency and well, goshdarnit, if my credit rating went all to heck I only had myself to blame.

I decided to return to the same Bell centre I went to originally. This time, a kind young woman told me that it really wasn’t their job to intervene in situations like this. What, I inquired, was your job? Well, it was to sell cell phones and related services. She really wished she could help me.

I told her I could make her wish come true. She could do the voice mail dance for me and hand me the receiver when she reached a Person In Charge.

She did so and guess what?

No, seriously, guess what?

The PIC apologized profusely for some Nameless Incompetent’s error and promised she would take care of it.

I said Wow! It was like my guru Yogi Berra said about being deja vu all over again! But, hey, it was closing in on Christmas. I dug deep into my well of goodwill towards men, forgave the PIC and the NI and walk out whistling.

The Final Notice was dated Christmas Eve. A nice touch I thought. All those little Bell Canada elves working until the last possible minute to ensure a Merry Christmas for everyone. Call me a sentimental old fool but I found myself dabbing a tear.

This time I looked very closely at the bill. It was confusing. It said as of Dec. 3rd, there was a balance owing of $87.65. Directly below that, also dated Dec. 3rd, was a credit of $87.65. And below THAT, was an amount due of - yep - $87.65.

As my high school teacher, the sainted Mr. Elliot could attest, my mathematical skills are somewhat rudimentary. But it sure looked to me like the bill was saying $87.65 minus $87.65 = $87.65.

Yesterday, I got my first letter from the collection agency you hired, Total Credit Recovery Ltd. out of Laval Quebec. I suppose you know what they wanted. I considered calling them. They provided a helpful toll-free number just like you folks do. Somehow, though, I bet I if I call their number a human being will answer.

But I decided to write this letter instead and propose a solution to this ongoing problem.

My wife was cremated and her ashes are in a vinyl bag in Son #1's bedroom. I will put $87.65 in that bag. All you have to do is send a representative to my house, convince me why I owe that money and they can help themselves to it.

Then maybe we can all rest in peace.

Kind regards,

Frank Baron