Wish I'd Said It

Weeds are flowers too - once you get to know them.

- A. A. Milne

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Tales From Testosterone Country

Some friends of mine just got back from a weekend’s fishing trip. I haven’t talked with them about it yet but I heard a couple of details from their wives. It sounded like a pretty typical guys’ weekend with an overturned canoe, a near-drowning and some fish.

It took me back. I enjoyed a few such weekends, mostly way back in the long-ago-and-far-away. And one of them involved an overturned canoe too. Without having gone along with them this time, or hearing any more details than I have, I am prepared to use my psychic powers to tell you some of the things that happened.

1 - The toilet seat was left up the entire weekend except when cradling buns.
2 - Showering was very much optional and nobody shaved.
3 - Somebody, probably more than one somebody, was glad that somebody else packed bandages.
4 - Farts and belches were delivered cheerfully and greeted with groans and hoots or, if particularly fulsome, a punch to the shoulder.
5 - Plenty of painkillers were washed down with morning coffee.
6 - The size of the fish lost increased proportionately with the number of beers drunk until every participant lost at least one record-sized fish per day.
7 - Women were discussed.
8 - Every participant shook his head and/or shrugged his shoulders at least a couple of times during the discussions about women.
9 - Not one person said the words “excuse me” the whole weekend.

Why do guys do it?

I’ll tell you.

We may be men now but we are always going to be boys. Women think that boys don’t mind getting dirty and smelly. They’re wrong. It’s not that we don’t mind, we enjoy it - like dogs. We spend most of our adult lives clean and presentable for either our mates’ or co-workers’ sakes. Every once in a while we need to do the human equivalent of rolling around on a dead fish. It makes us grin and wag our tails.

Wives and girlfriends soon learn that when their men return from these outings, there’s a natural consequence to nearly three days of unreleased testosterone buildup.

Guys soon learn that if they want their mates to wag their tails too, they’d best hit the shower first.

29 comments:

Crabby McSlacker said...

I always thought daily showers were essential 'til Significant Other and I bought a little camper van and started spending some serious time in it. Funny how when showering gets less convenient, it starts seeming a lot more dispensible. Even for girls, or at least for us.

We just pile on a little extra deodorant and pretend we don't notice our hair is getting greasy. Campground showers tend to be kind of nasty so we wait til we hit a town with a gym.

But we do still say "excuse me" and leave the toilet seat down. Vive la difference!

Frank Baron said...

Crabby, you're right. Camping or cottaging provides kind of a crash course in living like a guy.

Not that there's anything wrong....

Thanks for stopping by. :)

Abby said...

Where do you stand on haircuts, Frank? ;-p

Frank Baron said...

Ab, haircuts when necessary - but not necessarily haircuts. ;)

Stace said...

At certain things, all I can do is sigh and shake my head. Resistance is useless! Aidan had a week-long bike ride for charity a little while ago - can you imagine how he smelt when he got home? But what can I do? :)

Bernita said...

One other thing they have to learn: you caught it - you clean it.

Frank Baron said...

Stace, can't do much I suppose, except maybe hand him the soap and point to the shower. ;)

Yes Bernita, unless there's a newbie in the group who needs further initiation...I mean...practice!

Dawno said...

Frank, you're definitely a Thinking Blogger. Please come collect your award.

Crabby McSlacker said...

Hi again Frank,
Well, this is not quite as impressive an honor as Dawno has bestowed upon you, but I added you to my blogroll.

You are unfortunately consistently amusing, so readers who find their way over here may never return. However those are just the risks of cultivating smart friends.

Frank Baron said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Frank Baron said...

Deleted previous comment because I made a booboo. It was typed on a stupid, Mac, girly keyboard. (Not that I'm ungrateful for the loan...) ;)

Dawno, I'm going to assume that's a good thing. I'm not home 'til Sunday night but I'll follow the link and check it out then. :)

Crabby, you're going on mine too when I get back. There's also a link I'll send you that I think you may get a kick out of.

Thanks both, for the compliments. :)

Aidan said...

Burping, farting, fishing the good life.
Guys need a chance to just be guys, a chance to be gross, swear, swap manly (fiction/highly exagerated) stories with one annother... Then we come back in the mood for loving (after lengthy showers)

Frank Baron said...

Yep, you got it Aidan. We're simple creatures - easy to please. :)

q said...

Unless presented with a girly, Mac keyboard, of course...

Frank Baron said...

q, I SAID I wasn't ungrateful!!

:)

Dawn said...

I can't seem to get my hubbie interested in this blogging thing, but I think your blog might interest him, Frank. He regularly (like almost every weekend!) heads off into the wilderness on fishing and hunting trips that sound much as you describe. When he returns I have to retrain him on correct toilet seat protocol!

Spider said...

Baked beans were served at some point.

Frank Baron said...

Dawn, it sure sounds like you landed yourself a keeper with that husband of yours. Take good care of him. ;)

Frank Baron said...

Spider, I think that's a safe bet too. Added some extra...fulsomeness to those gas emissions.

Adrienne said...

Love this post Frank!

Maybe some girls would disagree, but I think the joy of hanging out with the same sex is that you don't have to be on your best behaviour. Not that it really gets to the extent you were talking about Frank, but when I have movie nights with my girl friends, one of the joys is being able to burp, or not wear makeup and eat like a pig without being considered "unfeminine". You'd be surprised how much women enjoy not being all "proper" as well.

Frank Baron said...

Aha adrienne! I'd always thought that might be true. I have another suspicion, as yet unconfirmed, that women, when among their own, will scratch itches wherever they might occur....

Dawn said...

Aww, Frank, I'm sorry I wasn't in when you visited. I do hope you checked out those fishing links I've got. I put them in just for you! Ten pound brown trout!

And yeah, I am looking after the hubbie. He is indeed a good 'un.

Frank Baron said...

I did check out those links Dawn and those are a pair of bodacious browns!

Hildegarde said...

Shocking ! ;-)

Frank Baron said...

My well-developed psychic senses tell me you're kidding hildegarde! :)

Doug Skinner said...

My favorite part about weekends like these is no shaving or showering. There is no better feeling in the world than showering at home AFTER one of these trips...Great post.

Frank Baron said...

Thanks Doug. Yeah, have to say that shower feels pretty darn good.

Unique Material said...

I thought I smelled something.


*fffssssssszzzttt*

ah, much better.

Lysol Fresh Linen - isn't that better? ;)

Frank Baron said...

Never heard of that one Unique but if it masks odours, it's gotta be a good thing! :)