Wish I'd Said It

Weeds are flowers too - once you get to know them.

- A. A. Milne

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Pajamas, Hugh Hefner & Me (Issue #143)

You know how you always think of the smarty-pants response to some argument 10 minutes to 10 years after you lost the argument? We hate when that happens....

It was early on a lovely summer evening and I wanted to sit outside and enjoy a refreshing beverage. I constructed said beverage and prepared to sally forth.

“You can’t go out there like that,” I was told.

“Like what?”

“You’re wearing pajamas. People will see you. People I know. I will lose face and have to leave town and I don’t want to.”

Sheesh.

I have only recently discovered the joy that pajamas can bring. I am speaking specifically of pajama bottoms here, not tops. Tops are goofy and only old men wear them. I am hardly, at 56, old. 56 is the new 44 and, if I recall correctly, 44 is the new 35. You’d have to be insane, or a teen, to think that 35 was old.

For most of my life I have worn jeans - winter, spring, summer or fall. In summer, they can be a smidge uncomfy on hot days. I am not allowed to wear shorts because my legs are white and spindly. The sun’s glare rebounds off them and blinds passers-by. I have nightmares about drivers involved in a chain of fender benders, clapping one hand over their eyes and pointing an accusing finger with the other.

A year or so ago, Son #2 started wearing pajama bottoms pretty much everywhere. I shrugged. Kids. Heck, I once wore barrel-sized bell bottoms and a Nehru jacket. Not together though. Pretty sure.

Anyway, when I took him shopping one day for more, I decided to pick up a pair or two for myself. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they cost less than $15. In fact, I have since purchased some very spiffy ones, in designer plaids, stripes and checks, for less than 10 bucks!

They are light and comfy. They have elastic waists which come in very handy when dinnertime rolls around. And get this:

They have pockets now! I’m fairly certain that way back in the 50s and early 60s, when I last wore them, they were pocket-less.

So, on the one hand, we have comfort, stylish designer plaids, stripes and checks and pockets. And on the other, we have someone sniffing with disapproval.

Well, the sniffing won that day.

But only because I forgot about Hugh Hefner.

Hef practically spent his entire life in pajamas! For all I know he still does. And he’s a millionaire and his magazine has articles in it about stylishness! Probably.

How can wearing jammies be a fashion faux pas if Hef wears them? I chuckled to myself, anticipating the next PJ discussion and my new trump card.

As I thought about Hefner, I came to realize that we had lots more in common than sartorial resplendency:

He drinks Pepsi and I drink Pepsi sometimes.

He has a magazine empire and I have written stuff for magazines.

He has slept with hundreds, maybe thousands of women. I have kissed more than a dozen. (If we count aunts.)

In fact, it would not surprise me one iota if ole Hef put some fishies in one of his swimming pools and wet a line now and then.

It’s like we were twins, separated at birth!

A week or so ago, sporting a new, classy, grey/white/yellow-striped pair with a button-fly front, I headed outside.

“Geez Frank.”

“What?”

“The jammies....”

“Hugh Hefner wears them all the time!” I crowed triumphantly.

“He wears tops too. He’s an old man.”

Any day now, I’m gonna come up with a smarty-pants rejoinder to that one.

21 comments:

Dawno said...

I'm a pathological fishy-clicker. When I hit bottom, I'll go find that group.

Kids these days wear jammies to school, you know. And sometimes even with the fuzzy slippers. I plan to ge some nice (well sequined) silk ones and wear them all the time when I retire.

Bernita said...

Frank, you are a delight...and tagged as a "Thinking Blogger."

Frank Baron said...

Dawno, I think that you can get away with wearing a matching top and not be regarded as an old man. ;)

Thank you Bernita. I shall have to find out what that tag means, exactly. It makes me just a teesny bit afraid....

Crabby McSlacker said...

I know, it's a pain isn't it? Every time I try to go outside wearing nothing but a nice pair of pajama bottoms I get hounded about it too!

(Very funny column, Frank, although you're quite a bit more handsome than Hef. There's something about that dude that makes my skin crawl).

Kappa no He said...

Hey, you can tell your wife that where I live men spend the entire summer in nothing but their boxer shorts. And I'm talking old and young alike, squatting in front of their houses, smoking cigarettes and trying to engage you (meaning me) in conversation.

Eye contact has taken on a whole new importance for me.

Frank Baron said...

Crabby, believe me, I've been hearing it about not mentioning that I WEAR A T-SHIRT with my jammy bottoms.

I blame my editor. ;)

Kappa, thanks for the additional ammo...er...threat...no, um.... :)

Spidey said...

There is something really creepy about a very skinny old man with a pipe walking around the streets in pajamas. I guess because he is so rich, nobody has told Hefner that he looks like a senile old fool, and nobody has told him that his recent kids look like his chauffeur.

I guess with Viagra it is still possible for some crusty, scaly, 75 year old geezer to climb on a young woman, but that just goes with his pajamas. Besides, Penthouse had better stories.

Frank Baron said...

Jeepers Spidey. I thought at first you were describing me. 'Til you got to the part about being rich. ;)

Hildegarde said...

Hahaha :-) Let me help you a bit : over here they say : only the nobility has the luxury to walk around in pajama all day (in the house and in the own garden)

Frank Baron said...

Hildegarde -- exactly.

We Barons are on the lower rung of nobility but we cling to it desperately. ;)

John Elder Robison said...

You and Hugh, separated at birth. It's a good story. Something Hugh doesn't want you to know.

Frank Baron said...

John, I almost wish it was true. Except that I'd be 81 years old now. ;)

Stace said...

I do love my jim-jams. But I wouldn't wear them outside. You're weird :) By the way, 56 - I mean 35 - isn't THAT old, it's only a little bit old.

You know what's really weird? You're about the same age as my dad. Which means that I'm potentially a similar age to your children (probably a bit older, but only by co-incidence). Yet, we relate as adults together in a way you will never quite reach with your own children because they'll always be your kids. Or so I surmise from observing my own parents' behaviour. Is that weird?

Chill Daddy said...

I hope this isn't too personal; I'm only asking from my own pajama-bottom experiences, but do you wear them AFTER you shower?

I can't bring myself to do that, which means that if I'm lounging about in them, I'm probably also a little ripe.

(btw, I got here from WritersNet where I've been admiring your comments like umm... something that approves and appreciates something else)

Frank Baron said...

Stace...go to your room young lady!! ;)

Thanks for stopping by Chilldaddy. I'll wear them anytime, but most often it's probably post-shower. Sorry if I disillusioned there....

Bibi said...

Very funny Frank. And timely, I just got back from the store where a teenager was walking around, not just in her pj's (with top), but with pink bunny slippers too!

Agree on the 'old man' tops. Who wears them?

Frank Baron said...

Vicki, I'm putting you down as in favour of the jammies.

I knew you were a good-hearted, sensible, intelligent and perceptive person. :)

Lois Karlin said...

At least wear the plaid flannel bottoms out and about. They've got heft.

Frank Baron said...

Will do Lois. Thanks for the support. :)

Anonymous said...

So, is it slippers or shoes? which do you prefer? Oh and just skip that PJ top, where's the "smoking Jacket"?

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