Wish I'd Said It

Weeds are flowers too - once you get to know them.

- A. A. Milne

Monday, March 22, 2010

It’s So Sleazy Being Green* (Sometimes) #217

Ladies. Gentlemen. Please permit me a little preambulation before I mount the pulpit and invite the wrath of the gods to smite those who have offended me.

Preamble One:

Here are some things that really bug me: bullying, lying and hypocrisy. They’ve always bugged me and always will. They aren’t the only things, of course. There’s Joan Rivers. And her face. And don’t get me started on mosquitoes or voice mail. But bullies, liars and hypocrites can always make the bell ring atop my Pissoff-O-Meter.

Preamble Part Deux:

This may come as shock to some of my American readers but despite being a Canadian, I am not a communist. Or even much of a socialist. I believe in capitalism. Businesses should make a profit.

Preamble The Last & Intro To The Main Event - Enviroman vs Greedzilla:

I’m fairly environmentally conscious. As a lifelong angler, I probably appreciate pristine, natural environments more than most. Many of my early newspaper columns in the 70s were devoted to raising awareness of the effects of acid rain and other habitat issues. I believe in recycling and have switched nearly all my light bulbs to those weird curly jobbies.

But I’m not an eco-nut, or eco-nazi or whatever term is being used these days to describe/denigrate those who are exceptionally environmentally conscious. I still buy and use paper plates occasionally. At least once every week or two, I lazily toss a tin can into the nearest garbage instead of walking a few more steps to the recycling bin.

And all of my bills are mailed to my home. They are printed on paper and mailed in paper envelopes.

Many companies are upset with me about that.

Why-oh-why do I hate trees? Do I not understand how many could be saved if I simply switched to online billing and/or automatic withdrawal?

Yes, actually, I do. Well, not precisely how many, but I imagine that over the course of time it would be quite a few trees. Gobs of them in fact, if everybody switched.

And I’m a huge fan of trees. On top of the wonderful things they add to the planet and to our lives, I believe they possess spirit. I respect and admire them greatly.

But I don’t for one minute think that the phone, cable, gas, electric, and all those other companies are losing sleep over the amount of trees they’re killing because of my stubborn refusal to switch to a paperless system.

Nope. Nuh-uh.

It’s not a lofty environmental conscience that has them spend money on monthly (paper!) inserts and expensive advertisements, pleading with us darn tree-haters to change our evil, selfish ways.

No, the truth is, they want to save money. They could save bundles of cash if they didn’t have to print, stuff and pay postage to mail those bills. They wouldn’t just be saving big bucks on supplies. Nosiree. Think of all the employees that would be made redundant! They could trim a substantial part of the payroll if they get me, and all those other stubborn old farts, on board.

Think of what they could do with all that newfound money! Why, they could reduce our bills! Or donate the savings to a worthy environmental cause! Or they could take that money and pay for retraining those laid-off employees! They could even, godbless’em, do all three!

Or maybe they could just filter it to their shareholders and toss the execs a few extra million in bonuses.

Which scenario do you see happening?

Me too. And it ticks me off.

I wish just one of them would admit that yeah, the saving-trees thing is cool but it’s the improved bottom line that really counts.

But none of them will. They’re hypocritical liars trying to bully us into being green in order to cut costs, eliminate salaries and pad their bank accounts.

I intend to help envelope stuffers and postal workers keep their jobs as long as I can. So, keep those bills and statements coming.

But I do believe I’ll plant a tree this year.

*Apologies to Joe Raposo and Kermit.

Monday, March 08, 2010

Winter Wrap-Up (#216)

There we were just a few short days ago, waddling around in our swathes of woolies when presto! March arrives, and I'm opening windows to catch the first of the warm spring breezes. In like a lamb, indeed.

(This is me not complaining. In a day or three, there should be open water and I just might wet a line.)

But there were a few, short, winter-related notes I'd jotted down over the last couple of months - fully intending to flesh out each into a witty, humourous and incisive post. Sometime this winter. When I got around to it.

You know folks, over the years I've developed a very high regard for your intelligence and creativity. As a result, I have complete faith you'll have no problem imagining each of these notes to be longer, wittier, funnier and more incisive than they appear.


Well it, and its brother word "phlegm," were usually heard several times in voice-over during cold-remedy commercials. No more delicate tippy-toeing about "runny nose" or "congestion." Nosir. Not this winter. We watch and listen and stifle our gag reflex as Mary, and then Larry, hack out a lung, or at least try to hork up a loogie. The sombre announcer intones the horrors of Mucous and Phlegm. Like all good voice-over announcers, he manages to verbally capitalize the letters that matter: Mucous. Phlegm.

I'm concerned about the next generation of ads for diarrhea cures.


I hate crazy glue because every time I've used it, I've bonded my fingers to each other. In seconds.


Found a brand of honey-glazed donuts that contain zero trans fats!!


Pretty good, eh? Despite failing to erect for the fourth time there, in the Opening Ceremonies. Still, at our age, three's not bad at all. Good job by those Yankee kids, winning all those medals. But good job by our kids too, what with winning the most golds of any winter Games. Including, of course, the only one that mattered:

Mens' hockey gold.


Eat it, you Americans with your best-goalie-in-the-NHL!! Ha! We weren't even nervous there when you tied it with 24-frickin' seconds left in the frickin' 3rd period!! And no, that wasn't barfing that was going on during the intermission! We were just making room for more pre-victory brewskies.

We're Hockey's Hosers!!


Can you say "boring" boys and girls?

I knew you could.

Both Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin were under-utilized. They weren't given a chance to make an impression, let alone shine. And, unless it happened while I was searching for another toothpick to hold up my eyelids, no starlet almost fell out of her dress.

I was pleased for Jeff Bridges, though. The Dude abides.


Apparently, "trans fats free" all of a sudden doesn't mean "zero calories." Sheesh. Don't you think it's about time we toughened up our truth-in-advertising laws? I mean, any reasonable person might ask - if an edible item contained no fat, where would the calories hide? Calories adore fat. Everybody knows that. And trans fats are the worst. Everybody (especially Hilary) says so. Over and over. Ergo, ipso facto and other appropriate Latin abbreviations, we need to change the way people think of food. Or stop labeling ingredients. I'm not sure which. I wish this item was more incisive. I'm feeling a little bit anxious right now and would like to have a donut.